Creeping closer to death

I have end-stage kidney disease aka chronic renal failure. I am beginning to feel the fatique and low-level nausea of my kidneys shutting down with my Creatinine level closing in on 5.0.

I have been engaged in the struggle against life-threatening kidney failure since acute kidney failure struck at the end of July, 2002, in Fairbanks, Alaska, and I spent ten days in Fairbanks Memorial Hospital, the first few days hovering at death's door. (I describe the experience in my memoir, "Into the Hospital".)

Yesterday was despressing as I finally made the call to my nephrologist (kidney doctor) and told him the time had come, the symptoms he had described and "ordered" me to call him when they appeared, had appeared. I couldn't put off dialysis any longer.

Today I began the process of the final sort through my treatment options, which will be dictated to some extent by how I can pay for the medical care I am about to receive ... because it will be an expensive regimen for the remainder of my life.

Faced with the hurdles of the next few weeks, I was starting to feel sorry for myself and consider whether it was going to be worth it, worth going through all the rigmarole of applying for the additional medicaid coverage I would need, getting the tube placed in my abdomen, and then go through the training for the peridoneal dialysis I would most likely be undertaking because I can do it at home. Maybe, I should just settle back and drift off into the cotton candy slumber of death from kidney failure.

But the self-pity didn't last too long. The room and closet and office spaces I use are simply too messy to leave for someone else to clean up. I have to try to hang around long enough to at least get that straightened out.

So I got up this morning, showered and headed off to see my PCP (Primary Care Physician) at the clinic.

She cheered me up immediately. I hadn't seen her for a while because I missed an appointment when I was sick that day, and it is harder then heck to get a new appointment. So I just kept putting it off ... until I knew I had to see her today if I was going to get anything straightened out ... and went in as "walk-in" ... which she takes on Monday afternoons and Wednesday mornings.

Knowing it would be a long wait, I brought along a couple of bottles or water and Jon le Carre's novel, ABSOLUTE FRIENDS, ( which by the way, is turning out to be an absolutely fascinating read!)

All went well and she steered me to the Clinic Social Worker who steered me to the County's Division of Aging, where later in the day I met truly helpful local government employee ... who took all the time I needed to explain the programs available to me as a Senior Citizen at my current level of income. (I'm publishing my journal as a series under the title, THOUGHTS WRITTEN IN POVERTY, so that ought to give you some idea of my financial situation.)

The process will continue through at least few more evolving iterations.